lately, i haven't been sleeping. well, more than lately, months actually. i lay awake worried about something ambiguous. there isn't always dialogue. there isn't always a vacuum. i don't know what i'm trying to figure out. there's no dreaming, but hours pass. 5am. 6am. 7am. that horrible swing in the park across the way that squeaks...all those atrocious children shrieking. i arrive back in my bed every hour to see that i'm still there. there's always a lot going on. i'm always busy. i'm always lazy. i feel this pervasive embarrassment, guilt, hang over. i go through my days feeling like i said something to someone that i need to apologize for, but i don't know what or to whom. my heart feels funny from coffee. my eyes have dark circles under them. i feel old. i've been in new york too long not to have a shrink. i need at least someone that can prescribe me a light sedative.

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