how did that happen?

i think it was an oscar wilde character that answered the question, "how did that happen?" by saying, "it happened gradually and then all of the sudden." it seems like a universal truth for just about all experience. change always comes on slowly and suddenly. can one ever truly be prepared? even for change they know is coming? even for change they want?

i've been hoping for a long time that the roll i've carved out for myself in my life could change - would change. i had the oprah-esq andebobandy takes back her life initiative rolling, which as i have said before amounted mostly to sleeping in on monday's and drinking too much, but it was a start. those things made me feel better. i got a great routine of yoga on monday's from it, and that makes me feel less like a slacker toward my personal life. i also had time to run errands, clean out the refrigerator, tie up our newspapers, and all those little stupid things that i don't seem to have the time to do now, and i stayed far far away from the bar. a lot of things have changed for me in the last two months, and they all happened gradually then all of the sudden.

i knew that it would be difficult to get things started at the new bar. i expected that the hubby and i would have hectic schedules. i expected that we'd be working extra hard for a time. i didn't expect that within a week of opening oulu we'd have to fire two of our staff at gstaad, the only two that had keys i should add. since then i've got three brand spanking new employees, i've been pulling 60+ hour weeks at the bar, i'm there all day and all night. i take care of office stuff starting at about noon, i let the bartenders in at 4:30pm, i lock up at about 2am, i'm covering two shifts a week, i'm managing all the while (something we know from a certain citysearch review i'm not terribly adept at), and i've got a never ending list of things to do that rivals any of my long lists to date. it's funny, i honestly thought that after a short time of working more that the weight would shift and fall evenly between myself, my hubby and mister g8s and i'd be working less, that i'd get my work week down to two, maybe three days a week. that was my goal. my recent schedule has me working every single day, but sunday, a day which thus far has consisted of getting up in time to have a sandwich before soccer and then going to brooklyn after my games to keep hubby company during his sunday bloody mary sunday afternoons. i usually end up in the same sort of work situations i'm in all week long, talking to customers and doing little things here and there.

today, though, i think we may have actually made a decision that will result in a move in a direction that might eventually lead to some action and lead me to the freedom i think i want, only i'm not as happy as i thought i'd be - even though part of me is incredibly happy. i feel like the bar is like a baby, but it's his baby, and for a long time now we've both been taking care of it. it's true that i agreed to it, but now i'm tired. it's not that i don't love it, not that i'm not proud of it, it's not that i'm unwilling to help, but i've got plans for a baby of my own and i need time away from all of these responsibilities to explore that as a possibility. at the same time, i'm so afraid that if i stop helping out, it won't survive, and if things go south, it will be my fault. i know it can survive without me, but that's how i feel. it's the same way i felt when i was young, when i was thinking about moving away from my parents, and i was so worried that they needed me and that i'd somehow be ruining their lives by going. now i know that's not true. and i know it's not true that the bars and my hubby won't survive without me, too.

so, here's the plan. i've given my two weeks notice, after which i'm going to stop doing everything except the bookkeeping and the web and paper design stuff across the board. i will do construction stuff, because i really enjoy it, and i'll help when asked as long as i'm not asked week after week. i'm giving 10-12 hours maximum. i should get some time sheets. after that, it's all andebobandy time. i'm contemplating moving my office out to brooklyn, hubby suggested it and though i'm very comfortable in my current office out there no one will ask after me and there will be no expectation that i can or will make decisions about the bar. i'll move the andebobandy shelf, or maybe i'll get a new one, a bigger one, a better one. i'll get some of those boxes that aren't exactly what i want but will do and start pedaling my wares around town and see what's what. maybe everyone will hate it, but maybe not, and if all goes well, i'll be giving old tom a call back saying, "i'll take 5000 craft paper jewel top boxes, thank you.

wish me luck.


ridiculous said...

that's amazing news. i know where you're coming from in walking away - if that makes any sense.

you go, girl.

Orangemanmike said...

Wow - good luck! I know how sometimes when you just make a decision to move, that in and of itself provides relief and "unsticks" everything.